Who Am I?

April 18, 2011 at 8:49 AM 6 comments

Friday morning I was so tired that I felt like getting out of bed would cause the apocalypse or something, but I was so excited about going to voice lessons again that I shoved the blankets off me and peeled myself slowly onto my feet.  I proceeded to turn my computer on and play the peppiest music that I could find (yeah, it involved some Caramelldansen Speedycake Remix). I signed important tax papers. I tried to warm up a little, and I scarfed breakfast down so quickly I forgot I ate it a few minutes later and ended up having a second bowl of cereal. I was in a fog all morning, and I could not seem to kick it. I’ve actually been feeling like I have been in a funk for a while now, as if I am living outside of myself looking in and I am unsure about how I feel when I see myself and what I am doing.

I arrived at voice lessons and we started warming up, and I ashamedly announced that I hadn’t practiced like I should have during our break. Things were still going relatively well, I was learning, and my voice lesson instructor was very helpful in teaching me. I still cannot believe how patient she is with me, and I am so grateful for it.

After a while we pulled out the music & lyrics for an arrangement of “Who Am I” and I started to sing along with her, when I did okay. Whenever she would stop singing, or back out, I would back out. My voice would grow weak and soft, I would get breathy, and I would lose pronunciation of the words. We talked about a few things, like fear and holding back, and she gave an example about pronouncing the words when singing. In that moment I felt a breakthrough and I just snapped. I tried to hold it in, but the tears were welling up in my eyes. I was so scared that I was ruining the lesson, and I just wanted to get back to what we were doing. My personal epiphanies and life chaos could wait. Then she asked if I was okay, and I looked up and saw the tears forming just slightly in her own eyes. I saw the concern and I just fell apart. She asked if I wanted to talk, but I still wanted to focus on the song. I had something to prove to myself. I just couldn’t, so I cried harder.

This song is already deeply personal to me for reasons I will talk about another time, but Friday it was something else. Somewhere between her singing the words and my mind reeling about thoughts I was having recently, and a conversation I had with a dear friend at dinner not long ago, I applied the words to my life in a whole new way. I have always been strong in my faith, in my faith that there is a loving God, and I know in the deepest parts of me that there is. I also always knew that there was a plan for me, and that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I would be kept safe and provided for no matter what. Somehow, I believed that, I believed that somehow I would be okay in this world- even when everything was falling apart. The strength I had when I was younger for handling hard times still amazes me. In times of doubt or pain I would have a moment of loss and then I would look up with a smile and say “It is okay, I know everything happens for a reason,”

These days I have spent more and more time asking myself what the point is. What is the point of life? What is the point of all of our seemingly meaningless tasks?

At voice lessons on Friday I figured it out again. I found what I had lost. I was gently reminded that I am His. That is my belief.

Whatever God might be out there, whatever name you might call him, there is a God. A loving God, a caring God, a just God. My God. My Father. Our God. Our Creator. We all have a purpose in all the lives we encounter. We can make a difference.

That night my dinner was paid for by an anonymous stranger in the name of faith, and that night I took my dinner money to a gas station to inform the woman at the register to give this money to somebody buying gas anonymously. I came home and I painted that page in my journal. I found out later that the people who bought gas with my “pay-it-forward money” were having a really hard day and the woman actually began to cry and said “This is the best thing that could have happened to us today, thank you,” after she found out their gas was already paid for.

I do not support lots of rules, and I am a firm believer that wearing pajamas to church is A-okay. I do have faith. A deep faith that shakes me to my core, that there is more to this life than what we see on the surface. A deep faith that we can form a loving and accepting community, full of embrace and kindness. A faith that keeps me going when I want to quit. It is not something I have been taught through words or reading, but something I was born with. Something I learned from watching my mother and how she lived when I was growing up. My Mom would have never had to teach me anything about kindness or strength or love from any books or DVDs or anything, because she lived it and I watched her. I learned from her actions.

Just the other day when my dinner was paid for, I stopped and asked myself “What would my mother do?”

Love yourself, and believe in YOUR purpose,

Happy Adventures,
Burkie

Advertisements

Entry filed under: A Day in the Life, Art, Food For Thought, Gratitude, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

This Is The Stuff Avoiding Milk, Give Me Silk

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. starrlife  |  April 18, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    I worry about your fatigue. I’m happy for your faith. Give yourself a break please- you do not need to wait for God to do it!

    Reply
    • 2. Heather  |  April 19, 2011 at 2:50 PM

      Today I was able to sleep in since I did not have to be anywhere early, so it is refreshing. All I have to do today is paint faces tonight, work on homework, clean around the house, clean my room and the mini-van, vocal warm-ups & practice, and spend some time with Dad. 😀 It will be nice to slow down a little, even if only for today.

      Reply
  • 3. Shiku  |  April 19, 2011 at 8:05 AM

    I think I just felt my heart tingle a little 🙂 I heart this post. My folks have never had to sit me down and teach me anything….I’ve learnt it all by watching how they’ve lived their lives. And we are most definitely HIS 🙂

    Reply
    • 4. Heather  |  April 19, 2011 at 2:51 PM

      Oh Shiku, isn’t it amazing to be blessed with such wonderful examples in our lives?

      Reply
  • 5. Jaclyn Rae  |  April 19, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    Wow, Heather. You are amazing and just reading this brought tears to my eyes. I bet those people will remember how much you blessed them for a long time. It sounds like you were an angel in their lives when they really needed it. You’re on a good path, darling. You make a big difference. ❤

    Reply
    • 6. Heather  |  April 19, 2011 at 7:44 PM

      Jaclyn, I am speechless.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


I’m Tweeting (Yikes!)

  • So, I started going by my middle name in college because I've always liked it better. Now I'm Renée, and can be tweeted at "teafaellana." 3 years ago
  • I keep reading fanfics to tide me over until #OUaT is back. I can't wait to see more character development of Regina! #EvilRegals 3 years ago
  • This has somehow been the best and worst Thanksgiving I've ever had, all at once. 3 years ago

The Blogger

Smile about what you are thankful for, and never forget you are a dreamer.

I AM

I am a girl on a mission, and the mission I am on is to be myself. I am an undiscovered treasure, and here I am giving you a key that will allow you a little further into the labyrinth of who I am.

Statistics

  • 15,641 visitors

You can find me…

Reading: just about anything I can get my hands on, other blogs, and especially YA Fiction Novels. Lately I have been really into anything by SARK and other non-fiction books. __________________________________ Writing: updates for my blog, a children's book, music/lyrics, and letters to pen pals. ;) __________________________________ Singing: Warm-Ups. __________________________________ Learning: How to use my voice as an instrument, History of Art, Watercolor, how to be actively involved in creating a better community, and something new every single day. __________________________________ Hoping for: Wisdom and patience when things are hard, a smile no matter what, and a better community. __________________________________ Dreaming about: HAPPINESS __________________________________ Eating: <3 Peanut Butter Pie. Peanut Butter Sandwiches. Peanut Butter No-Bake Cookies. __________________________________ Drinking: Water, usually. __________________________________ Playing: The Sims 3, Dance Central, and the Piano and Guitar. __________________________________ Watching: Christmas/Halloween movies, Who's the Boss? reruns, and crazy-cool documentaries about dead people. __________________________________ Listening to: Informative & Educational Podcasts, all kinds of music, and trying to listen to my parents (they are very wise, after all).

Join 81 other followers

Heather

Heather loves hats that are designed to look like cute animals, fairy wings, cheese pizza, swimming in ponds, roller blading, taking silly self-portraits, learning, spending time with people, and just about everything else too. Heather does not love ... well, there isn't a lot that she doesn't love. You can probably figure it out after a little while!


%d bloggers like this: