I Am A Jerk, Sometimes

June 4, 2011 at 9:45 PM 5 comments

Do you ever have those moments when you just don’t think you can scream loud enough, hit hard enough, or look angry enough? I’m having one of those moments. I feel so stupid. I feel angry, bitter, foolish, and as if no one can see it. I also feel like it doesn’t even really matter. What I’m angry about is so stupid. It’s a card. Big deal. You should have just gone and gotten one, instead of arguing about it Heather. That’s the worst part — the part when you realize that even though you are angry, you are still wrong. Then, even though you are wrong you still storm around the house, huffing and puffing as if you are right because that is the only way your enemy will admit defeat.

I don’t even know why I do this. I know that my parents do not reward behavior like this. It won’t get me anywhere but stressville. So the knowledge that this only makes things worse, with the effort I am trying to make in my life overall to show love instead of hate, leaves me baffled as to why I act this way toward my parents. My parents who have done nothing but love me, show me their love by hard work and honesty and discipline when necessary. My parents who sacrifice daily for my brother and me.

Yeah, I am a great big jerk.

Why am I still here, on the computer, and not doing something for them? Why am I not straightening up around the house? Why am I not making them something sweet and amazing? Why am I not showing my love for them like they show their love for me?

Because I know that even when we’re angry, even when we’re dog tired, even when we have our moments, we all love each other unconditionally. We are a family. We are not perfect. Sometimes I yell too much at my parents. I don’t show my parents enough appreciation. But we love each other.

I am an even bigger jerk.

I gotta stop taking them for granted.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

Happy Adventures,
Burkie

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Entry filed under: A Day in the Life, Gratitude, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. starrlife  |  June 5, 2011 at 7:54 AM

    ummmm…. I still have those days/moments and I’m 55. Sigh….

    Reply
    • 2. Heather  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:41 AM

      I still think you’re awesome, Starr. ;D You make my day lots of times.

      Reply
  • 3. Pamela B.  |  June 5, 2011 at 9:01 PM

    Heather,

    When my oldest son was two years old, I found him sitting next to my bookshelf. He had pulled a book from the lower shelf, opened it and was looking at the pages intently. I thought, “Isn’t he so cute. I walked up behind him being careful not to disturb him and began to laugh as I realized which book he had. It was titled–get ready for it–drum roll….

    “How to Live With Your Parents Without Losing Your Mind”!!!

    True story. Of all the books he could have pulled from the shelf, he chose that one!

    The book talks about the fact that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves and how we react to situations. From your blog, it sounds like you already understand that. So I will move on to a cassette tape I use to have. It was titled,

    “Forgiving Ourselves”

    We get angry for different reasons, rant and rave for different reasons. After a cooling off period we tend to regret things said in haste and we also regret our actions that are less than becoming to us. We all have those moments–no matter what age we might be. For me personally, it is usually due to a previous stressor that had been building up.

    I am 48 years old and have learned over the years that if I want to be more patient and forgiving of others, I needed to start with myself. I needed to learn to forgive myself, I needed to be more patient with myself. I also learned that to be able to truly love others, I needed to learn to love and accept myself. I needed to understand that God does not create junk. I needed to understand that I am someone of value and have much to offer. I needed to understand that “I am who I am for a reason”. Sure I still make mistakes and lose my temper, but I also know that looking down on myself with disgust does me no good.

    My advice to you: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Learn from any mistakes you might have made, make an effort to do better next time, apologize if needed and continue to move forward. A gentleman once told me that when you drive a car you cannot reach your destination by continually looking in the rear-view mirror. If you have a goal and want to reach it, you need to focus on where you are headed and continue in a forward motion.

    Forgive yourself, love yourself, and be patient with yourself. You (an all of us) are a work in progress.

    Pamela B.

    Reply
    • 4. Heather  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:45 AM

      Ohhhh wow, Pam. I actually had to sleep on this comment because I had no idea how to respond in any other form than “hug”. Sheesh! Now I have to wait a while to hug you. I still don’t even know if anything but a hug will do this comment justice, but I have to say, “You made me cry, AGAIN!”

      Shew. Golly Ned. I’m just stunned. You amaze me, all the time.

      Thank you. Sincerely.

      From the bottom of my heart.

      I love you.

      -Heather

      Reply
  • 5. sparksinshadow  |  June 6, 2011 at 7:47 PM

    Had to add my voice here in agreement with Pamela B. I can tell by her comment that she’s awfully cool. I’ve been having a more inward struggle these past few days (weeks?) with anger and pain, so although I’m only hurting myself, I can really use her message about self forgiveness. It’s much more useful in the moment than the “everything will get better with time” stuff that’s been thrown at me lately.

    And like Starrlife, I’m young at heart but not in age, and still having those moments of wondering, “Why did I…? How do I…?” I hope your own questions are answered soon, Heather– gently. Take care of yourself.

    Reply

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