I’d call myself a chicken.

December 15, 2011 at 7:02 PM 1 comment

Some of you may roll your eyes at this post. Some of you may be offended. Some of you may experience both. I only mean to be vulnerable and honest with you.

I’ve been running scared. I have been running scared from a lot of things. Mostly myself, my opinions, my beliefs, my values, my priorities, and my dreams. I am scared that all of those things are too much and (will) scare other people as much as they scare me. I am afraid that I talk and act in too many parentheses but that if I try to stop everything will crumble around me because I’ll be something else and people won’t know what to expect from me anymore. I am afraid that I won’t know what to expect from myself anymore. I am afraid that I could end up being completely the same as I am now.

I would tiptoe around things and say “I have been SO busy, I can’t believe I have not made the time to blog,” but that would only be about 35% accurate. Being totally honest with you and with myself, I know full well that to a degree I do what I want and I don’t what I don’t. I have come to grips with the fact that some unwanted things are necessary and vice versa. 

I have become nervous about posting lately. I was living in a naive and magical little bubble that I could (or even should) somehow attempt to limit who visited my blog, or who I was aware visited my blog. I figured that only strangers and those I hand-selected (that sounds so terrible, and I am so sorry) would read this. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that anyone could find my blog, read it, have a link sent to them, I was living in denial. I was ignoring the idea in my head so I would be as honest as I possibly could while still being safe and keeping identities of others safe. But is it still being honest if you believe that not many people you know will ever read it?

 I knew that what I was writing was public, and somewhere I still censored some of what I was writing– if only for the privacy or protection of others and myself.

All of this started when my mother confronted me and said that a friend of ours had shared my blog as a link on his own blog. I told her “It isn’t a big deal, oh well, so my blog is linked on his blog, my blog has been linked to before,” but on the inside my heart was racing. My virtual little hiding place had been exposed to a closer community than ever before, and I knew about it. She knew about it. Had she read it? Did she save it to her favorites? In a moment of panic I asked him to please remove the link.

What are people I know thinking about me, but not saying? Why am I even worried about this? Since when did I develop a care in the world for what anyone else thought? Am I ashamed of who I am? Do I even know myself at all? Why is it that these ideas bother me but I will still wear pajamas to church and faerie wings to class? Oh yeah. Pajamas and faerie wings are skin deep. Me, my thoughts, my dreams, my questions– those are definitely deeper. If people reject my pajamas or wings, I can say it is because they don’t really like them. If people reject me, well, that hurts me a lot more. It is the same thing that I have been working so hard to tackle since I started taking voice lessons. The world is my stage, and I have stage fright.

I am genuinely and deeply terrified that people will reject me. Young, old, close, distant, and everything in between it doesn’t matter. I am afraid that I will be just. too. wierd. Another awful thing is that I am afraid to admit to myself that I don’t even know what I really believe. My art teacher, who is amazing, really wants to see me create art based around a platform. Something I believe in, or something I do not. Something that I want to talk about with the world. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t even figure it out for myself when I am alone at night? 

I don’t always agree with everything or everyone. I have a lot of questions, and I ask them. Most of the time. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don’t. Most of the people that I talk to regularly know that about me. Sometimes I feel like a terrible person, and other times I feel so right. Most of the time I feel like there is something bigger than myself involved and I cannot deny that I believe there is a mighty, mighty creator out there.

These are some reasons I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’ve been paranoid, but I’m not going to be anymore. At least, I am going to try. Some of the things that you read here, no matter what you believe, may be found offensive. This is me telling you that I am only trying to be honest in my searching, and that I want to be someone who isn’t afraid anymore. I will probably change my mind a hundred times because I’m only 20 years old. I want to learn from all sorts of people. I want to be willing to trust that I am enough; truly and deeply. I suppose you could call me radical. That word has both good and bad connotations in my head, but I guess I might have to face being called anything that people come up with if I am going to be truly exposed and truly vulnerable. Psycho-crazy might be on the top of the list. I do know that I am not using my full potential by doing what I am doing right now. Right now I am trying oh-so-hard to be safe, like a sky waiting for fireworks to happen.

My hopes for this blog from the very beginning were that I could have a place to find myself, and maybe along the way my thoughts might resonate with even just one single person. Heck, I would be happy if even just one sentence out of the hundreds that I write could touch someone’s life for the better and maybe, just maybe, let them know that they are not alone. That is what writers, musicians, artists, and friends have been brave enough to do for me. Expose themselves so that maybe just one person, a person that is sometimes me, might know that they aren’t alone. I suppose that a bonus to all of this public sharing is the opportunity for someone to step out bravely and say that something resonates with them so that the author, artist, or friend doesn’t feel quite so alone either.

It turns out that I learned a lot when trying to write this down. I believe I was overreacting to my blog, this personal space I share, actually being shared with a group of friends and strangers that I am surrounded by often. So this is me, taking off the faerie wings and just being a girl with you. I love my eccentricities but doesn’t mean I need to hide behind them.

Brave Adventures,
Heather

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Entry filed under: A Day in the Life, Community, Food For Thought. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

It’s a big world full of small pleasures. Sketch

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. askmemes  |  December 15, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    exposing our vulnerability is one of our greatest challenges to see it become a gift is our greatest reward. keep on keepin on!

    Reply

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Reading: just about anything I can get my hands on, other blogs, and especially YA Fiction Novels. Lately I have been really into anything by SARK and other non-fiction books. __________________________________ Writing: updates for my blog, a children's book, music/lyrics, and letters to pen pals. ;) __________________________________ Singing: Warm-Ups. __________________________________ Learning: How to use my voice as an instrument, History of Art, Watercolor, how to be actively involved in creating a better community, and something new every single day. __________________________________ Hoping for: Wisdom and patience when things are hard, a smile no matter what, and a better community. __________________________________ Dreaming about: HAPPINESS __________________________________ Eating: <3 Peanut Butter Pie. Peanut Butter Sandwiches. Peanut Butter No-Bake Cookies. __________________________________ Drinking: Water, usually. __________________________________ Playing: The Sims 3, Dance Central, and the Piano and Guitar. __________________________________ Watching: Christmas/Halloween movies, Who's the Boss? reruns, and crazy-cool documentaries about dead people. __________________________________ Listening to: Informative & Educational Podcasts, all kinds of music, and trying to listen to my parents (they are very wise, after all).

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Heather

Heather loves hats that are designed to look like cute animals, fairy wings, cheese pizza, swimming in ponds, roller blading, taking silly self-portraits, learning, spending time with people, and just about everything else too. Heather does not love ... well, there isn't a lot that she doesn't love. You can probably figure it out after a little while!


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